March Madness.

This month suddenly seems to be so hectic, deadlines more like to complete. I just cried while driving, doesn't happen a lot but when it happens, it's something worrying really. I do feel burdened sometimes, not by the weight of the world but my own heartaches. I think way too much than I should and apparently, I overcomplicate things, he told me. 

Really, is life meant to be all that simple? With no frills, confusion and other stupid little things that make you go mental? If everything is so damn straight and simple, does that mean everyone's gonna have an happily ever after?

Pardon me for being so bitter. But surely, life is not a bed of roses neither is it daily free lunch coupon you can claim somewhere.

What about the struggle with your innerself? Trying to determine what's right and wrong? Even trying out to figure what this life really means. Suppose, most don't give two shits about it like I do. Trying to figure what's our purpose here. Trying to fit the pieces of puzzles of this not very long life.

Maybe it's just melancholia from my part. Maybe it's just the blunt truth. 

Welcome to the layer cake, son.

24.

I don't feel old. I don't feel young. I feel fine though. This year was rather lovely, girlie lunch and lots of margaritas. For some reason I kept thinking of my birthday 3 years ago. That was something else. Something I won't forget, of course.

I'm finally starting to let go of lots things but it's a habit. They don't go away quickly. I need to let go of my feelings, I control it too much. How my Japanese mate said, "When you smile, you look cold". 

It's true, I hide it well. I lie pretty well too. They say lying is the most fun a girl can have without taking her clothes off. 

Perhaps.

Men are jerks.

Sensitive uncaring pricks.

That's all.

Oh.Fass.MY.Bender

It's been a while since I had an entry for SMOKING HOT MAN I WANNA TOUCH. The New Year definitely deserves one. I've gone through phases of liking a few attractive men; there was Christian Bale at the beginning, Arne Friedrich somewhere in the middle. And now, Michael Fassbender.

Not to say I'm bias, but I do have a type - dark hair, light coloured eyes and those symmetrical features. AND I AM SOLD. Oh God, can my future husband look like him please? I like how rapey he looks sometimes. Oh, those eyes look so dreamy and yet there's a tinge of caution. Apparently he was an altar boy. Could have been that even. And the story is, he comes with a PACK.AGE. Naiiiice. 

I'm such a pervert.

Well it's been a long time, long time now.

Yesterday, I read through my archives. Not everything, just the December entries. I seem to have some sort of alternate years, one year I seem to be extremely happy and the next, depressed or indifferent. Maybe end of the scales, maybe cause I'm just a little mental. 

This year's been one of those years in your life where nothing amazing happened, but you discover little things that moves you along. I don't have a problem with this kind of years btw, it's nearly idle, not much effort to get through. No dramas and frills, least to say! The year was just really about going to university and getting through one semester after another. Probably two most exciting things that have happened would be me directing my literature class project and finally getting to go on a holiday. 

So I ask myself again, am I happy and content? I won't lie, there were patches in this year were I was purely thrilled. The others, it was mostly me trying to get through it. It feels a bit numb, in some ways, I do think I've got a lot more complacent. It's like being in a relationship where everything is too comfortable. I do fear that. 

But then, what does the New Year hold for me? I don't know, I don't really care. What may come will come. I don't have any sort of expectations. Not that I've given up. Expectations mostly end in disappointment to me, it seems.

Life's not all that shit. Only cynical bastards say that. heh.

Happy Christmas

I miss that room with a view.